Batman vs Joker
by Paul Anthony
Summary: An adult conversation between Batman and Joker.  Adult themes and strong language.


I got the idea for this story after watching some Batman parodies. It's basically a short, one-off story about a war of words between Batman and the Joker.

WARNING: Contains adult themes and strong language.

* * *

**Batman vs. the Joker**

The two cars raced through the streets of Gotham. One was an old fashioned cyan convertible, driven by what appeared to be a clown in a purple suit. The other was the famous Batmobile, driven by the Dark Knight, Batman.

"Catch me if you can, Bat-fart!" yelled the Joker, laughing maniacally.

"You can't escape me, Joker," muttered Batman, "I am Batman!"

The cars continued their chase through the maze of streets and alleyways. However, Joker's complete disregard of personal safety of just about everyone ensured that he stayed well ahead of the Batmobile.

"HYAH HA HA HA HA HA! You can't catch me, Bats!"

Just then, however, his car slowed to a halt.

"What the ...?"

He looked at his petrol gauge. It was empty.

"Oh damnit!" he yelled, "I told Harley to top it up!"

He turned round, and saw the Batmobile turn the corner and speed towards him.

"Oh crap!"

Joker leapt out of his car, and ran up the street. As the Batmobile stopped behind Joker's car, Joker turned right into a darkened alley.

He ran down the length of the alley, and turned the corner. He then stopped, and stared wide-eyed at the dead end.

"Oh COME ON!" he roared.

He turned to make his way back, but stopped as the dark shadow advanced. He stepped back as the shadow walked towards him.

"Oh come on Bats," said Joker, as he stopped before the brick wall, "It was just a bit of harmless fun!"

"You just seriously injured four people!" growled Batman, "How is that harmless?"

"Well ... I wasn't harmed!"

Batman growled, his eyes narrowing.

"Geez, you're not one for jokes, are you?"

"No. I'm Batman."

"Oh good grief ...!"

"What?" demanded Batman.

"You're doing that thing again, where you defend everything you do with 'I'm Batman'! Who do you think you are? Chuck Norris?"

"No ... I am Batman."

"We KNOW!" yelled Joker, "We know you're Batman! I don't see anyone else dressing up like a bat, hiding in the shadows and jumping out at people. You're like an overgrown 5 year old playing hide-and-seek!"

"I do it to strike fear into the hearts of criminals!" said Batman.

"Oh really?" mocked Joker, "I thought you just enjoyed dress-up!"

"Hey, I'm not the only one who wears a costume! What about Superman?"

"He's different," said Joker.

"How?"

"Well, let's see: he doesn't hide in the shadows ... he actually cracks a smile every once in a while ..."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing much ... but it wouldn't hurt for you to drop your depressingly broody personality on occasion."

"Oh really?" said Batman, "How do you know I don't act broody to counteract your annoyingly euphoric personality?"

"You don't," said Joker, "You're like this with absolutely everybody."

"Yeah? Well ... so what?"

"Case and point," said Joker, smiling smugly.

"Shut up!" roared Batman.

"Wow, somebody seriously needs to get some!"

"Some what?"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed Joker, hunched over, "Ooh, guess I was wrong, Bats! You do get jokes! 'Some what?', he says! Oh, that was hilarious!"

He looked up, and saw Batman staring emotionlessly at him.

"Oh ... that was a serious question, wasn't it?"

Batman remained silent.

"I'm talking about _sex_, Batman! Some sweet lovin' is exactly what you need to turn that frown upside down! In fact ... I bet that's why Superman's so happy all the time: he's clearly going at it with that Lois Lane. Then again, who could blame him?"

Batman growled.

"OH!" said Joker, snapping his fingers and pointing at Batman, "That's IT! That's why you act the way you act ... you're a VIRGIN!"

"WHAT?" yelled Batman, "NO! No, I'm not!"

"Hey, there's no shame in it ..."

"But, I'm not a virgin! I've had plenty of sex!"

"Oh, really?" scoffed Joker, "With who?"

"That's private!" said Batman, a tone of embarrassment in his voice.

"Uh, Bats ... you are aware that sex with _yourself_ doesn't really count ...?"

"Alright, FINE!" yelled Batman, "Let's see ... I've slept with Lois Lane ..."

"Ooh, bad Bats!" said Joker, "Tapping Superman's girlfriend? I can imagine he'd be one of those 'jealous boyfriend' types!"

"Not while she was with him!"

"OK, OK ... who else?" asked Joker.

"OK, let's see ... uh, there was Catwoman, Wonder Woman ..."

" ... Robin ..."

"THAT WAS A RUMOUR!" said Batman, a bit louder than necessary.

"Yeah, sure it was, Batman ..." said Joker, "You hang around with a young boy, whom you dress in tights, and nothing funny's going on ..."

"THERE ISN'T! I LIKE GIRLS!"

Joker chuckled.

"I also did Batgirl," said Batman.

"Batgirl, huh? That girl can't be out of school yet ... you dirty dirty boy!"

"SHE'S OF LEGAL AGE!"

"Yeah, now ..."

"AT THE TIME AS WELL!"

"Oh, Bats, you are FAR too easy!

"That's what she said!" said Batman, "HA!"

"Umm ... you are aware you just insinuated that you are a whore?"

"What? No, I ... I didn't mean ..."

"OK, you clearly need to work on your insults, Bats!" said Joker.

"Oh yeah?" said Batman, "Well ... at least I treat women right!"

"Excuse me?" said Joker.

"I'm talking about Harley! You physically and mentally abuse her all the time, you ... women-beater!"

"Hey, treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen! Besides, you wouldn't be so quick to accuse _me_ of being rough, if you knew half of the stuff that happens in the bedroom ..."

"I DON'T wanna know!" yelled Batman.

"Ooh, prudish, are we?"

"Alright, enough of this crap!" said Batman loudly, "I have you cornered in an alley, and you have no means of escape!"

"And here I thought you were into girls ..."

"SHUT UP! You can insult me all you want, Joker, but the fact of the matter is that I win!"

"Not in the wits department ..."

"Don't need to," said Batman, "You're off to Arkham!"

"For now," said Joker, "So, I'll see you ... what? A week on Tuesday?"

"Oh, not for a long time, Joker!"

"Oh ok ... three weeks?"

"NO!" roared Batman, "You're going away for a LONG time!"

"Oh please, at the rate that inmates escape from that place, they're as well installing a revolving door!"

"They're beefing up security!" said Batman.

"A fat lot of good that'll be ...!"

Batman glared at Joker. Just then, they both heard police sirens in the distance.

"Oh goody, it's Gordon and the Goonies!"

"Game's over, Joker!"

"Yeah, I get it, Batsy boy!" said Joker, sighing.

"Your twisted plans have been thwarted!"

"I said I get it!"

"No more will you ...!"

"I SAID I GOT IT!"

"Oh ... now who's too easy to get?" said Batman, smirking slightly.

Joker glared at him.

"Batman! Are you there?"

"This way, Commissioner!" yelled Batman.

Moments later, Commissioner Gordon, Detective Harvey Bullock and a few police officers had reached the alley. Commissioner Gordon handcuffed the Joker whilst the others aimed their guns.

"So happy to see you again, Gordon," said Joker, grinning, "and if it isn't Detective Bullsh-!"

"I told ya to STOP calling me that!" yelled Bullock.

"Harvey, settle down!" said Gordon.

"Man, you're as easy to get as old Batsy here!" said Joker.

"Get him out of here!" said Batman.

"Aww, and we were having so much fun!" said Joker, frowning.

"Let's go, Bozo!" said one of the officers, as he led Joker away.

"See you in a few weeks, Bats!" called Joker, as he left the alley, "Try and get in some action before then! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Joker was led into the police van, and Batman and Gordon watched as it drove away.

"You know something ...?" said Batman.

"What's that, Batman?" asked Gordon.

Batman glared as the van vanished from sight.

"After everything we've been through together ... that guy still gets on my fucking nerves!"


End file.
